My first thoughts on life after divorce were, how did I end up here? Really, I consider myself to be a loyal, loving, kind, ambitious, and relational person. I was intentional in dating and marriage. I didn’t give up, fought to save the marriage, and sacrificed myself for the cause. So, how did I end up with the result of a marriage that ended?
I believed I could love him enough to save the relationship. I could sacrifice enough because I was strong enough. What did I learn? It doesn’t work this way. I can’t love someone enough to fill his empty void. I am not in control or powerful enough to make someone else’s life work.
I believed, I prayed, and I had immense faith. Shouldn’t my faith and a God who hates divorce have stopped this from happening? But the survival of my marriage wasn’t based on my faith. I believed in miracles and believed God could choose to restore what wasn’t working. These things didn’t happen. Does this mean I didn’t have enough faith or was doing something wrong in my spiritual life? No, it does not.
I am not absolving myself of responsibility. I am responsible for my part in the marriage ending. I am the only one responsible for my life. I created it. I am saying that it is not about having enough faith or a lack thereof. I also did not take my vows and commitment to marriage lightly. I stayed until staying wasn’t an option. In hindsight, I could say that I stayed too long.
Then, why me? Why did a loving, faithful, Christian wife end up getting divorced? I tried to do everything to make my husband happy. I was a people pleaser. My commitment and grit were so strong, I would not let go.
After I had meltdowns crying out to God, I came to the heavy realization that the marriage was over. It was messy and far from how I wanted things to go. I worked with a life coach to get out of the pit. I was living in a pity party of I didn’t deserve this. I felt like the victim in circumstances I didn’t choose. It all felt so unfair. It took months for me to come to acceptance. I had to choose me. Choose to love myself and not wallow in pain and shame. Choose not to worry about what other people would think. This wasn’t their life.
Was there anger? Yes, absolutely! Did I have regret? No. I gave my best to the marriage and know that I did it from a heart of love for my family. Was there grieving? Yes, I grieved the loss of my marriage and the hopes and dreams that accompanied this. My fairy tale had ended no pixie dust or chariot awaiting me…or so I thought.
Over time, I accepted this new direction for my life. My journey of healing and surrender came easier by facing the truth. No more denial. This is the new path. I am not defined by this relationship ending. I purposed a powerful, persistent, and courageous life one moment at a time.
Surrendering the anger, resentment, and feelings that would surface plus trusting I will be ok helped me take the next steps. Being gentle and kind to myself and seeing the light within me, I chose me.
To see someone who has gone through a divorce is to see someone who has risen from the ashes.
