I’m FINE. Everything’s fine.
Are you someone who says this? It is for sure a stereotype of women.
We all know when someone says they are fine, they generally don’t really mean it. Sometimes, it’s a way of avoiding talking about the thing. Sometimes, it’s a way of being passive aggressive…like you should know that I’m not ok because of the situation.
What is the need not being met? I know for me, the need was wanting someone to ‘get me’ to know the answer to how I was feeling without me saying it.
You know what?! It’s not worth it to say, ‘it’s fine!’
Why? Because it’s not your authentic feelings.
You don’t get the result that you want when you don’t speak your truth.
Expecting someone to know the answer without expressing your thoughts and feelings is a poor attempt at connection or getting what you really want!
It’s time to get real, time to get really clear on how we feel. It’s time to process our thoughts and feelings and articulate them in a way that lands with the other person.
It takes practice to communicate clearly, share your feelings without taking your emotions out on the other person.
How do you share your feelings without being all emotional?
It’s ok to cry or be upset. You can be emotional. Own your feelings. Own how you feel. Yelling and blaming the other person doesn’t typically produce the results that you want.
We are emotional beings, so you can be emotional. If your emotions are sky high, then process them first before having a conversation. Journal, go for a walk, talk to a friend, find a way to take care of yourself first.
When you can articulate how you feel, what your thoughts are, how you interpreted the situation, then choose a time to have this talk. Right when someone wakes up or as soon as they walk in the door from a stressful day at work, is not likely going to be good timing.
What’s the goal? To be seen, heard, validated, loved.
Likely you want a certain outcome from the conversation. You want the other to apologize, change a behavior, take an action, have a conversation.
You won’t get the outcome by saying, I’m fine…or expecting someone to read your mind and just know how you feel. The energy behind being passive-aggressive leads to pushing someone away.
Reach within.
How do I change this pattern?
Choose to take care of yourself first. Take care of your emotions. Get yourself to a place that you can say, ‘I’m ok.’ You aren’t a 10 out of 10 on the emotional scale. Breathe deep.
Next, choose a good time to have the conversation. Don’t just sweep the issue under the rug. It will resurface later if you do.
What works well is to get an agreement. Ask your partner when they are willing to have the conversation. Could we talk after dinner tonight? You both know to expect a conversation and can be ready for it.
Seek to share your thoughts and feelings in a way that can be heard by the other. Use ‘I statements’. I feel hurt by… I am frustrated when… I really want…
Be ready to listen. Listen to your partner’s feelings. Choose to be understanding.
Be open to solutions.
What if the conversation doesn’t have a resolution? Then what?
Some big conversations aren’t resolved in one conversation. Sometimes the feelings are really big. Sometimes the hurts are really deep. Sometimes, the solutions aren’t obvious or readily available. Sometimes someone isn’t ready to forgive or make the change requested.
It’s ok to pause the conversation.
Allow more time for processing.
I didn’t say drop it or forget about it. Choose to continue the conversation later, in a few days or a week.
Trust the process.
Trust the other person to work through their side of it.
Most of all, Trust yourself to know what you need and what you want.
