I had identified myself as a married person for 20 years. I had mostly married friends. Now I was completely on my own for all decision making in regard to running my household, raising my kids, managing my finances, figuring out where to spend my time. I felt like I had no one to run my ideas by, no one to recap the day with, and no one to figure out life with. I felt alone. I didn’t want to make a decision, any decisions. I had been told I was indecisive and not good at making decisions. I was already afraid of change, so how was I to do anything but keep the status quo? Well, minus one husband. I was gripped by fear.
On the flip side, a huge weight was lifted from me. I no longer felt like I was carrying my husband and all of the issues around our marriage. I didn’t have to argue, justify, explain myself, and stick up for myself and my needs. I wasn’t feeling heard, so I didn’t have to live that way anymore. I had freedom. I had space to breathe and just be me. I was given a brand new chapter in life. And I got to write how the rest of the story would go. These are all gifts!
I did the typical things that divorced ladies do, too. I made new friends who were single like me. I went to meet-ups and found new ways of socializing. I chose to embrace it and have fun. This was me trying to make the best of the situation.
But I was still gripped by fear. I had to learn to talk about my fear with safe friends. I had to look to myself for being ok with how my choices turned out. I would tell myself at the end of the day that I did a great job, or the best I could, or that tomorrow would be better. Ok, I wasn’t like Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live saying, “I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Haha! But I do use affirmations and positivity. My mom would regularly say “this too shall pass.” The struggles and decisions were momentary.
When I chose to live outside of my fears, I found serenity. What I mean is I learned how to ask for help and reach out to friends and neighbors. If others didn’t invite me to get together, I asked people to hang out. I stopped playing the victim. I stopped choosing fear and sadness to dictate my day. I pulled up my big girl panties and decided I will be fine. No, not fine but fantastic! I made numerous changes. I changed my self-care, nourished my spirituality, and addressed my physical and emotional needs and wants. As I created new methods, I became much happier. Over time, I see the amazing gifts I have been given by being on my own. I am grateful for how strong, courageous, compassionate, and free I am today.
Life after divorce isn’t just how to pick yourself up and keep going, it is also how you get to be strong and empowered. Because YOU ARE. It is filled with joy, laughter, fun, freedom, and a life I get to create! Through this deep sadness, my emotional capacity expanded and now I can experience immense and heightened joy. So through it all, I love my life in a way I did not know possible until I got to experience life after divorce. And it is AMAZING.
