During my marriage, my focus in life was on my husband and my kids. I mean, my day was intentionally revolving around their schedules. I believed in putting their needs above my own. This is what I thought being a good wife and mother meant. I believed I was supposed to sacrifice for my family. I would say that family is everything.
All of this was wonderful, right?! I was putting on my super woman cape to coordinate the household, meals, practices, doctor appointments, play dates and MORE. I would get the kids up and ready for school, go to work to run our company, and then come home to helping with homework and dinner. Evenings were often filled with practices, family time, or who am I kidding? Some days, pure chaos! After reading stories and getting the kids tucked in bed, I was to also be a wife and spend time with my husband. Energy? Obligation? Too little of one and too much of the other!
During the valleys of the relationship, I chose to put in more effort to try and fix things. I thought I could show him how much I loved him. I could love him enough to weather the storm. I focused on my husband’s needs and my kids’ needs. I didn’t have the time or energy for my own needs.
Really, dealing with my own needs sounded like too much to think about or handle. Skip it. Just take a pass. I’d rather go to bed and start over tomorrow. Actually, I would collapse in bed, exhausted to wake up and do it all over again.
Did I see the bright side? Did I choose gratitude? Yes, many times I did. I have always loved personal development, so I would read quotes or devotionals to help me get centered. And I prayed my heart out for my family.
The piece I was missing was ME. It’s like I was invisible. I didn’t have needs or wants or desires. Where were my hopes and dreams? I thought they had to be on the back burner. There was no time to think about them. I was just going through the motions of life.
Over time, I stuffed my own dreams down so far I did not know them anymore. I figured someday I would get back to take them back out. The time with the kids is a short 18 years, so they are my top priority. I DO see my kids as my priority! But I saw it as an EITHER/OR. I could love my husband and kids OR focus on my dreams. I didn’t see it as BOTH/AND. I can spend time with my kids and husband, meeting their needs AND focus on my dreams. What? How could I possibly? I mean I was already exhausted at night.
I overlooked other possibilities. What if I allowed the kids to work on their homework, while I was in the next room spending time on my dreams? What if I spent an hour in the morning before everyone got up? Got a sitter? Set aside time on a weekend, chose a weekly time with a mentor? There are countless ways I could have made other choices.
The story in my head was that there were always things to work on in relationships between me and one of the kids, amongst the kids, or with my husband. I wanted to fix all of it. I wanted us all to live in harmony, as though it was my responsibility as a mom. I wanted my kids to be happy and I thought I knew the best way. I was preoccupied in my mind with either my kids’ or husband’s needs.
Over many years, I stopped focusing on my dreams and myself. I lost my sense of self. I didn’t even know where I wanted to go when going out for dinner! My dreams seemed as realistic as winning the lottery. I didn’t feel the passion or connection with my dreams. They could have been someone else’s. I felt empty inside. I was running the necessity of being super mom day after day after day and year after year. Wow.
Who was I? I was a shell of my former self. I was a mom running on adrenaline whose mind was focused on the next future task. I was running ragged. I stopped checking in to even notice my emotions. From this place, I was serving my family. How loving and helpful was this?
I experienced a wake-up call that showed me this depleting energy sucked the life out of me. My soul was crying for help. I was LOST. I lost myself.
I had to take responsibility. I chose to stop being a victim to life circumstances. I chose to remove someday from my vocabulary. I chose personal development and accountability. I made changes because my life, at a soul level, depended on it.
From this new awareness, I decided that I am worthy of living life for me. New patterns created freedom for me to serve my family from a full cup of energy, happiness, and because I wanted to (not out of obligation). I smile and know I am living and loving myself and my family.
